||[Mar. 14th, 2009|02:50 pm]
It's been several months since I last updated.
I alsmot feel bad.
The things in my life that are new already feel kind of broing to me, but I guess that's how I've alwyas been.
I moved out of Paul's. I have my own apartment now. I work endless hours at a company called Human Arc.
I wake up every morning generally around 7 or 8. I go to work, I get home every day around 5 or 6. I sit at home. I sleep. i do it all over again. and honestly, I now understand why sam felt so much irritation towards me when he would come home from work. It's starting to make me resent everyone I know. But i don't mind.
I feel like my present life has moved me into a state of isolation. I accidentally fell asleep after I got home from work on friday. i slep for about 4 hours. I woke up around 9:30, 10. I did not have one missed call. Not that I feel bad in the sense that no one cares, but it's so interesting the way my entire social circle has changed based on the fact that i oved and don't spend my every waking moment at a coffee shop. I'm not sure how much it bothers me or if it does at all. I guess it's just strange.
Sam and I are I guess 'on a break' it's less of a break though and more in between the ideas of being broken up and still being in love. I'm not entirely sure how you can miss someone who isn't really there. I do though. Since I've met him, he's always made me feel...more full? more alive? I'm not exactly sure what I mean when I say that. I guess it's just that he inspires some good feeling in me that nothing else really does. it's not security. I think I've provided that for myself now. I guess the best way I can put it is this: the way you feel when you're starving and you're so hungry and you know you could just eat bread or crackers and you'd feel better but you really just want that gourmet dinner....and then you get the gourmet dinner, and it's delicious and it fills you up and you just feel so satisfied... that's how sam makes me feel.
I also relate it to that feeling of intense desire for something. Like when you wanlk into any kind of store and you're looking for a specific item and there are hundreds of different brands and colors and sizes and then you start digging through the piles and you find this one, and it's kind of chipped and a little bit dusty but you know instantly-thats the one you have to have. and maybe you don't have enough money for it, or maybe there isn't even a price tag on it and so they won't sell it to you so you leave the store with this horrible feeling and your friend tells you "it's ok, we can go to another store, we'll find another one" but you don't want another one, you want that one. That is the only one that will do...
thats how I feel. I don't want a different guy, I want him. that's it. I don't want a cuddle buddy, I don't want guy friends I want the one that I picked out.
c'mon universe, help a sista' out.