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one year ago [Mar. 29th, 2010|08:30 pm]
[mood |disappointeddisappointed]

It's really interesting to me that my last post was almost exactly one year ago and it displays my exact feeling today.

For once I've actually started to do whats right for me in my life. After a ridiculous fight with Sam and him saying some incredibly terrible things, I told him to go fuck him self and walked away. and not in my usual "walk away" way. in a more permanent and lasting sense. 
I started an apprenticeship with a milliner recently too. 

Things are good for the most part. I've opened myself to doing new things and hanging out with new people. I just feel a little empty right now...which is funny because yesterday, less than 24 hours ago I was talking about how accomplished I feel. I guess it's just hard to not be able to share your success with the one person who you really want to share it with. That would make most people feel lonely. 

Finally my life is at a legit place that I'm enjoying, and that I feel proud of. I'm at a place where I can tell other people and they cannot possibly have anything negative to say about it. But at the same time I was also in the middle of rebuilding with Sam and it just all came crashing down. I haven't really cried, or looked back and it's been almost a week. I know it doesn't sound like much, but that's impressive for me. I miss him , so much. I really do, but I don't want to be stuck anymore. I don't want to lay in a bed that I hate, or have the only options for my time to be out at a bar or sitting and watching shows I don't care about. I don want to feel anger and resentment every time I look at the person I love. I don't want to hear horror stories of other relationships gone wrong and wonder if that will be me some day.
I love Sam, more than anyone. I absolutely do, no questions asked. But I love me too. and I love life. and I want to actually live it. and I don't want to feel trapped anymore. or stuck. I don't want to take care of anyone else. I don't want to wonder what happened to the guy I fell in love with. I don't want to have to hear that my love and our relationship is the reason he is failing and so unhappy and so unproductive. Because my love is beautiful, and valuable, and empowering. and anyone who can't see that, or accept that, or desire that has no place in my life. 
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tired [Mar. 14th, 2009|02:50 pm]
[mood |exhaustedexhausted]

It's been several months since I last updated.
I alsmot feel bad.

The things in my life that are new already feel kind of broing to me, but I guess that's how I've alwyas been.

I moved out of Paul's. I have my own apartment now. I work endless hours at a company called Human Arc.
I wake up every morning generally around 7 or 8. I go to work, I get home every day around 5 or 6. I sit at home. I sleep. i do it all over again. and honestly, I now understand why sam felt so much irritation towards me when he would come home from work. It's starting to make me resent everyone I know. But i don't mind.

I feel like my present life has moved me into a state of isolation. I accidentally fell asleep after I got home from work on friday. i slep for about 4 hours. I woke up around 9:30, 10. I did not have one missed call. Not that I feel bad in the sense that no one cares, but it's so interesting the way my entire social circle has changed based on the fact that i oved and don't spend my every waking moment at a coffee shop. I'm not sure how much it bothers me or if it does at all. I guess it's just strange.

Sam and I are I guess 'on a break' it's less of a break though and more in between the ideas of being broken up and still being in love. I'm not entirely sure how you can miss someone who isn't really there. I do though. Since I've met him, he's always made me feel...more full? more alive? I'm not exactly sure what I mean when I say that. I guess it's just that he inspires some good feeling in me that nothing else really does. it's not security. I think I've provided that for myself now. I guess the best way I can put it is this: the way you feel when you're starving and you're so hungry and you know you could just eat bread or crackers and you'd feel better but you really just want that gourmet dinner....and then you get the gourmet dinner, and it's delicious and it fills you up and you just feel so satisfied... that's how sam makes me feel.
I also relate it to that feeling of intense desire for something. Like when you wanlk into any kind of store and you're looking for a specific item and there are hundreds of different brands and colors and sizes and then you start digging through the piles and you find this one, and it's kind of chipped and a little bit dusty but you know instantly-thats the one you have to have. and maybe you don't have enough money for it, or maybe there isn't even a price tag on it and so they won't sell it to you so you leave the store with this horrible feeling and your friend tells you "it's ok, we can go to another store, we'll find another one" but you don't want another one, you want that one. That is the only one that will do...
thats how I feel. I don't want a different guy, I want him. that's it. I don't want a cuddle buddy, I don't want guy friends I want the one that I picked out.

c'mon universe, help a sista' out.

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more than words [Oct. 3rd, 2007|09:48 am]
[mood |calmcalm]

so last night was an interesting night.

I had this crazy need to see sam which started off not so good and ended pretty happily. i think.
I met him up at phoenix and then we walked to his house. he had been complaining about feeling sick all day but he seemed really upset. i kept trying to talk to him but he was pulling his changing the subject thing and then said something about him needing space because all his life consists of now is work, me and german class. then he told me that i didn't have to be there with him if i didn't want to be...for the third time. and that was it he just stopped talking for a while no matter what i said, so i told him that i was going to go take a walk. i'm not sure he expected that. his response to that was "well you know you don't have to stay here" fuck that. I told him that if he wasn't going to deal with whatever was going on i was going to leave and that i would see him later. surprisingly enough his response to my putting my shoes on was to ask me to sit with him on the porch and talk *SCORE*

so we did, for like 2 hours. about life and how we both feel empty and unmotivated and how we're both just doing the bare minimum. The whole thing was really scary at first and i kind of expected us to be over after that. but it was good. we shared so much about how we feel about things and life and ourselves. and i told him about how i was worried that he'd get bored of me because i'm not the person i used to be. and he totally put that fear to rest.
we even talked about getting married and having kids. and what they would look like. it was wonderful.

so i'm not entirely sure about his whole need for space. I figure i'll let him make the call on that one. but i know he loves me. which is wonderful. because even though we haven't taken each other aside and looked each other in the eye and said those specific words i kinda think that right now we don't need to.
I can handle him talking about our future and our children and singing me Tom Waits love songs and talking about our relationship in terms of the strength of our love instead.
it's more wonderful that way anyways than just three words.
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i am a fool for beauty [Aug. 1st, 2007|03:21 am]
[mood |hopefulhopeful]
[music |John Coltrane & Jhonny Hartman - You are too Beautiful]

daydreams and wishes are beautiful

glitter and flowers and pretty poofy dresses are things i absolutely love

which leads me to remembering dancing in the kitchen with my dad, my past love of beads

these things make me think of babies, how beautiful new life is, and how soft and loving and sweet it is when a newborn first curls their little hand around your one finger.

am i in love?

or just daydreaming
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Friends only [Mar. 1st, 2007|02:36 pm]
As much as i dont want to do this, i'm making my journal firends only due to my sneaking suspicion that my parents have been reading my journal. 

It really pisses me off and i think it's quite fucked up. especially since i've never wanted my journal to be friends only. 

so anyways, to everyone and anyone who reads this, if you dont have an L-J go get one if you want to continue reading.
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(no subject) [Feb. 27th, 2007|12:23 am]
[mood |blahblah]

today has been a blah day.

lots of dumb stuff happened

i'm tired and not waiting up

 VerbalVigilante [12:20 AM]:  i hate 'bear with me' speeches
VerbalVigilante [12:20 AM]:  i dont want to fucking 'bear with you'
VerbalVigilante [12:20 AM]:  i mean, yeah 'bear with me while i am stressed and try my hardest not to be horrible to you and btw i'm sorry for sucking'
VerbalVigilante [12:21 AM]:  but no, not 'this has been a test of the emergency-asshole-system. bear with me while i'm an ass'  

i say silly things. 

i am in love

with me 

how vain.
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six goat seven goat eight goat NINE! [Feb. 24th, 2007|11:53 pm]
[mood |excitedexcited]

even though today was sucky, it's ok because i get to name goats!

 VerbalVigilante [11:49 PM]:  will you name a goat lolita?
of color bright [11:52 PM]:  sure!
of color bright [11:52 PM]:  aww  ^_^
of color bright [11:52 PM]:  rachel is gonna name the goats
of color bright [11:52 PM]:  hehe
VerbalVigilante [11:52 PM]:  yay!
of color bright [11:52 PM]:  i'll take one good picture of each baby and you can decide which should be lolita and which should be quiggly

goats make me feel better.
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(no subject) [Feb. 24th, 2007|01:24 pm]

I'm getting really irritated at people who have this grand idea that they can take advantage of my time. I'm getting really pissed at people who think that my day is free game and whenever they decide they're ready for me, they can have me. because it's bullshit.

i'm not entirely sure that anyone in this house realises that i only live here. I dont want to be a part of this 'household' i dont want to have anything to do with this family. I just live here. But they bitch about my lack of contribution. So what do i do? I contribute. more than any other person in this house as far as house work and other things go.  But thats still not enough. NO, I need to contribute MORE. because 'there's still more work to be done". Which means, we're going to tell you what WE need and you're going to fulfill that need when we tell you to and then when you tell us what YOU need we're going to ignore it.  What? you need money  for your college applications? oN your own there. You need basic things like food or soap or socks? "YOU have have a job, buy it yourself. Oh, but while you're at the store, pick up some cigarettes for your mom" 

This family is less like a family and more like a group of people who say "Hey, how can we take advantage of you today"

These are the times that make me want to cut everyone out. These are the times that make me so fucking angry I could just break something. This is it. I found the source of my unhappiness. But i've known that all along. Ever since i was the one doing all the babysitting and cleaning in the house. which was pretty much when i was able to reach the sink. 

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It's good to know you'll always be around to tell me how dumb i am [Feb. 21st, 2007|11:25 pm]


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Valentines day [Feb. 20th, 2007|03:26 pm]

For valentine's day, tino got me this: Love Explosion Crystal Cubes ring 

and i got him this:

Optimus Prime Transformers t-shirt

together, we pwn n00bs.
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